Tuesday, April 29, 2014

The Day From Hell

April 29

This should be a great day.  My chemotherapy pills are scheduled to arrive and I have a planning session with the radiation oncologist.  I should have my treatment plan all in place once this day is done.

Go to radiation oncology and right on time I am met by a nurse that brings me back to the changing room.  She explains procedures there and said it will be the same for my treatment days except on treatment days I can leave on my underwear today it has to come off.   So I put one hospital gown with the opening to the back then another on top with the opening to the front, remove my pants and underwear they get hung in a locker, keep my shoes on as I have to walk a ways and I take my valuables with me.... easy enough.  Wait in the waiting area for a short time and then off to the treatment room.  There the nurse explains what will happen.  I am to lay on this somewhat padded table face down.  There are two hard foam blocks they are going to position under me so my hips and chest will be elevated and my belly will sag in between.  This is so they can radiate what they want, by pelvis, and not radiate what is not wanted, my stomach.  Then a bag of epoxy foam which feels warm is placed under me to make a mold of my body.  Some markers were placed on my body as they shifted me back and forth to align me with the lasers shining in the room.

After all the moving and aligning is done, I have three permanent tattoos applied.  My first tattoos ever.  Some people get tweety bird, a cross, or a heart as their first tattoo, not Bruce, he gets three small dots, smaller than the head of a pin, one on each hip and the other on the tailbone.  Hmmm, somehow I feel cheated. :-)

I head home feeling good.  I have all my radiation treatments scheduled and chemotherapy medicine is waiting at the door along with a couple other packages delivered by UPS.  Finally I am set everything is set to start on Tuesday, May 6.  Feeling Good.

Then the call.  It is my supervisor for my job.  A little small talk and then  "Bruce, sorry to do it this way but your position has been eliminated effective May 31"  My job for more than 25 years is ended and to find this out one week after being diagnosed with cancer.  This is too much, I say some bad and evil things that I won't repeat, all from the raw emotions of the moment.  Nothing he or the HR person also on the call would say would make it any better. I send an email to my close friend all it says "I am being terminated now"  The call ends.. my job of 25 years is gone... I don't know my health future and now I don't know my economic future.

 I am feeling betrayed, angry, hurt, devastated, destroyed... My coping skills can not handle this... I have faced many challenges and set backs in my life nothing like this.  My thoughts turn bad, very very bad... I can not deal with this, make the hurt, the pain, the broken heart go away... Just end it now.  God must of been looking down on me just at that moment, my phone rings it is my sweet and loving daughter, M.E., calling to check on her "pops".  I answer and can tell she is driving and ask her to park before we talk.  I let her know the events that have just occurred, we talked and we cried together, and my worst of  thoughts are gone.

I talk with my loving wife, Patty, she tries to comfort me and tell me is will alright and that she would be home soon.  My self doubt rises, I question my worth, I question my why.  Patty tries to comfort me and to ease the pain.  My stress rises.   I can tell my body is not taking this well.  I feel pain in my chest building, no not now, I don't need this now. I try to convince myself it will go away but it stays.  I start to tell Patty the problem but can't bring myself to say it.  Pain go away, I feel my arm begin to feel odd and I know it is time to tell Patty we need to head to the ER.  Patty driving, I tell her to slow down I will be fine.  I message my friend, "Pray for me. Chest pains. On way to er. Broken hearted..."

We get to the ER and I was brought in immediately.  The rest of the evening is a blur. I don't remember the doctor, the nurse or much else about the night, though I was cognitive the night through.  I was given a sedative to calm me down.  My blood pressure was all over the place.  My heart beats were not  quite aligned just right.  Blood enzymes test indicated probably no heart attack.  Potassium level was low which was off concern.   The decision was made to have me stay overnight and have tests done the next day.

I am feeling so low, so betrayed and so defeated!!!

God Do You Care?

God are you there?
Have you left me in despair?

Am I here all alone?
God do you even care?

Do you see the hurt, the pain and the sorrow?
That I see no tomorrow.

Am I here all alone?
God do you really care?

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